Tunnels End

Evening everyone,
Something beautiful happened last night. While writing my post last night reviewing several things that happened through my year, a little spark resounded in my heart. That little spark got bigger and bigger with every word I typed, every picture that I archived, every memory and feeling that resurfaced about 2012. After three hours of work at 3am as I layed my head down to finally sleep I realized that this was the first time in several months I actually stayed up to do something. I wanted it done, I had to see the ending. This morning I realized; that little spark was my old self thats been waiting for myself this whole time.

If you read the post or have been following my blog for sometime you know that I've been in a funk for sometime now. I have not been anything that I used to be; rather, I've been almost a lesser person than I was. I just had no real enthusiasm for things, my creativity was slipping, and my energy was cut by less than half. This year was brutal on me with all my completing things and growing up. I was honestly about to believe that I would never be that multi-tasking, energized, positive young lady again. That was until now...

The post really had me see everything right in front of me, where I had gone, and most importantly all of the emotions that had shaped my decisions and reaction to things. I was an ambitious newly grad ready to take the world on, but the world threw me a fast one and it was nothing that I had read or imagined. Did I fail? No. Was it my fault? Some of it yes, but it all turned out for the better.

I was astonished at the change even physically I went through. I never discussed it, but through my depression starting on about April I had dropped 30 lbs this year from eating like a bird. Anything with oil or salt would send me into gagging fits. I couldn't sleep at night from shaking with no food in me, but I couldn't eat. The Doctor diagnosed it as a form of nervosa that was similar to my condition many years before when I moved for the first time. I suffered until about August, when I started to go out more.

Right now my body is just flabby. It feels strange, I don't really mind whatever weight I am, but my skin has gone through hell and back. I have little bubbly bumps under my skin around my arms and my belly which have never been there, but I'm getting used to it. I now live in moisturizing heaven 24/7 taking care of my thinned skin un-stretched and flabby as they often feel sore. The darker stretch marks are the worst, they inflame depending on the weather. My unintentional weight-loss has not been glamorous.

 

I'm actually very shy about my body, not only because of my weight but because of the abuse I've put it through over the years. When I'm on the job I'm in the public's eye and its a constant battle with myself to push my confidence in my knowledge and leadership before my insecurities. I try not to dwell in it that much, because there's so much to live for other than insecurities. I realize now that this is a time of discover for me, to bring who I am now and what I was before together in harmony marking my lessons of life learned for this time.

This morning I was inspired, a very enthused inspired! I had proven that I CAN push myself again and my mind is capable of intense concentration. This was no fluke or stroke of luck; this was what I had forgotten. I decided to mark this epiphany I pulled out my Nikon and did self-portraits. Last time I did self-portraits was in 2009, I got my first degree and moved to a new house, things were changing then as well.

I call this series Tunnels End because I feel like I finally see the light at the end! I love the shadows that had cast on my bedroom wall in a way to represent time and the filtering of light before me. The light reflections on my hanging pictures also show images of the world outside. I was comfortable to be in my own skin today, and most importantly in my own mind. I never want to lose sight of this feeling and I don't want to call this another 'fling'. I've missed me for too long to let it.

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Thoughts: A Raging Hurt Fatty

Be warned: 

This is a rant with grown up language (yes, profanity). If my personal life doesn't interest you please skip this post.

I'm not one to talk about my issues with people, but this has been the very bane of my existence as of lately that I'm tired of looking like I've got it all together and I'm not affected by these actions. I've grown a supportive and fairly descent following from not only strangers that share my interest, but family and friends as well: I think that lying to you that I am ok would be the wrong thing to do.

So this month is NOTHING as I expected: things that I thought could be finished in a week may well drag into the New Year, everyday has felt like a wild card, and this season has become the month of global PMS. Seriously? Being the fat chick in public automatically makes me an easy target, but the things that come out of peoples mouth's these days be it stranger or friends is simply repulsive.  I don't even want to recount the reckless nonsense that people's motives have been.

FOR THE RECORD: I find that fat people, especially women, do their best just to break their stereotypes everyday. We've not lazy, we are not glutinous pigs, and we are not all about the easy way out. If you ask me after being in category and culture of 'fat', we are the toughest most honest of people. On top of the criticism and society pressures: we go out of our way to be who we are just so we can continue a satisfying life beyond what's expected of us. I've been fat for a majority of my life and I've found true love, been a leader, and done things that I never thought I could. I've been featured on television, been a produced playwright FOUR TIMES AND COUNTING, guest spoke in one of the largest convention centers in the world... you guessed it, FAT! I'm not about to stop my life just because of the way I look displeases people.  I'm more than that, and I guarentee you that other fat people you see are so much more than there appearance.

Don't get me wrong, this post has nothing to do with denying a healthy lifestyle. This is about that time of the year when people get insecure about just about anything as the year closes and they are brought with a new year that will come with more opportunity and regrets. It's easy to feel down, pressured to be something else. Many, unfortunately, don't know how to handle these changes. Whether you do or don't, everyone is feeling the pressure of change upon them, and the best thing to do is be honest with yourself and understand where you stand about it.

For me, I'm scared. I feel like I'm not ready for the responsibilities that have been trusted on me. I'm stressed, cooped up, and hard up; believe me the blatant bullying has not made me a happy camper. Today I snapped, I cried, and I'm upset. I'm sure that I'll be pretty upset about all of this incessive harassment and behavior until the beginning of the next year when things usually die down. Hence why my mood is seeping into my blog; the beautiful album of my growing life that I can share with the world. I want this post to tell everyone that it's absolutely fine to be mad;  just let it go responsibly. Letting go has a lot to do with letting people around you know how you feel.

For those 'people': Come at me about my weight, money, or my relationship if you must but here's the truth about it: You're too fucking scared to deal with your own problems. I am starting to lose faith in you and the rest of the world because of this very reason. I may not call you out in person, or look like I didn't notice what you meant by 'it' but I'm just too nice and mature to stoop to your level. I'm just as stressed as you are, and my willingness to tell you about these things or my rare chances to go out are my few releases from my issues. Don't go ruining it for me, or try to be greedy and take that little bit of happiness out of my day. Don't try to piggy back on my efforts either as I busted my back working for these things that I treasure and made myself the person I am today. I'm nice, but every nice person has a limit. If your offended by this post I'm happy: Come and chat with me about it!

Wow, you made it through the whole thing. Thank you for listening, I meant it.

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My First Meditation Class (w/TEA)

This weekend I finally came around to trying meditation. This is something I've been wanting to try for quite sometime. When I was looking over the program of the Tea Festival and I saw the class, I knew that I had to take the class Meditation with Tea. The thought of anything for the first time with tea is something that I can easily dip my toes into. Think of it like your teacher holding your hand as they lead you to recess when you were younger, scary but comforting...

I was led to an open forum in the Japanese American Museums Resource Center just across from it. The walls were curvy and aided to a soothing water like feel. People were already gathering in a circle and I dived right in with a little courage (it helped me of course that Eugene was with me). The classes started and to my surprise it wasn't structured at all. I enjoyed that the Instructor felt the way the crowd was an slowly took her time getting to the points.

I got to learn breathing techniques and how to ween the mind from distractions and worries. The techniques were simpler than I thought they would be, which was opposite to the way my brain normally functions with it's task and competitive nature. We moved on to meditating on the blessings in our lives, something that everyone was happy to reflect on. We even did a writing exercise where we listed three things: what was on our mind that instant, what we were grateful for, and what people in our life we couldn't live without. She suggested we keep the poems to reflect on the next time that we do our meditations. She finished this exercise by handing us haikus and explaining how to meditate with them and poetry.

As for the tea, we reviewed how to be involved in the process of tea. We started with understanding the importance of meditation as the tea brews and being present with the pot and not to be distracted. Next we went over the idea of savoring the notes of flavor in the tea and using it to hone in on our senses. Her choices were a Keemun and a Green Darjeeling; both I felt were perfect since they are underrated for their complex notes and natural unique flavors.We also lightly discussed food pairings to add into the meditation of the tea process. The one highlight I took from the whole thing was the importance of taking a Sabbath for ones self. This is attained by picking a day out of the week just to relax and unwind. This way your soul and body are rejuvenated and ready for life's busy tasks.

Overall I really loved the whole experience. On a personal level, I adored learning from the wonderful Diana Rosen. She was so positive and enchanting and had a way of grabbing your attention softly but gracefully. As an advocate of body acceptance, I loved that she was bigger woman that didn't care about her image and ran the class with a balance of love and assertiveness. I hope to grow up with as much poise as her through experience and age.

I bought her book and I look forward to reading it. Just from flipping through it I can tell that she has an amazing directory and glossary from her personal tea journey. I look forward to further practices of meditation. I am starting with her breathing exercises every morning which have given me a burst of energy. I have yet to try tea meditation on my own, but I'm looking forward to it. Anyone curious about meditation, don't be scared to try even the simplest for of it. It's wonderfully beneficial.
-Stef

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OOTD: Ramona High

 

I love my job! I hope that one day my job as a CEO of a non-profit will become a full time and not seasonal career. We're coming up on our 3rd year which means we're finally eligible for grants, which in turns means our operations staff can finally have a chance at a regular stipend paycheck. It take plenty of love, self abandonment, and risk taking; and its been worth every heartache. It completes me, gives me that fast life I wanted, places to see, art to crack open from their shells.

Sunglasses: Lane Bryant, Necklace: Miscellanous Creation,
Sweater: Coldwater Creek, Shoes: TJ Maxx

I've become comfortable being a public speaker. I used to be conscience because of my weight, but when I started to do it more, I realized that people want to listen to what I have to say. Since then I look forward to when I can spread the word about my organization and my experience. I love the fact that I can give the future leaders a helping hand. I also feel like me in the right clothes puts a positive face to body image and confidence that they need to hear. I was tickled pink when I had the privilege to go to Ramona High School.

Ramona High is a private all girls catholic school. I didn't speak at this event, but Eugene and I brought a booth to represent my company. The assembly was created to honor girls that have done over 100 hours of volunteer service this year. That's a big deal! In a world thats lacking awareness and humanity, it's good to know there are the few that are willing to get out there and lend a hand. They had introduced the organizations there and allowed them to visit and talk with them like a mini volunteer fair. The girls had even created presentations of previous charities and clubs they helped at.

We were welcomed with open arms! I was so honored and humbled by these willing beautiful ladies. We got an ample amount of volunteers and good feedback. It's these events that give me that extra assurance that my mission is one that people need and are indeed listening to. My cause brings smiles, public conversation, and a haven for people to take a chance and be apart of something bigger than themselves.

So to all of those struggling with you're self image, keep in mind that there is more to you. Don't punish the world with your insecurities, there's a beautiful character waiting to be introduced. These girls are in the prime of insecurities: high school, and I cannot even imagine judging their willingness based on their inner securities. It's tough to fight your fears, but to live with it is far worse. Goodness knows if I let my fears guide me, I wouldn't be the bold role model I was blessed to become. Live your life, be you, be strong.
-Stef

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