Thoughts: Lively Competition?

Concept Illustration from my novel. link

The year of 2013 has grown to be a fascinating one. I notice the hostility that was in the Holidays of 2012 seeping across the gap into the new year and coming full force. Be it Diet, Lifestyles, or just plain being the better person (...whatever that is...); this endless crankiness and gloating is concerning. I see it on blogs, Facebook, and most prevalent in the public. I'm concerned of how we've become a society of desperate individuals.

Then just when I was about to give up on humanity all together and hide in my shell at home; I see the spark of inspiration that is unique to L.A. life. Actors going full force, writers finishing script treatments, and live events organized to celebrate interest. Its a corner of the universe thats spreading and giving the glum a run for its money. Oh L.A.; the land of broken dreams and a thousand new ones. People often think that this obsession with artistic careers are all about fame and easy money, but I can tell you as a witness of this industry that its far from that: the reality is that people just love what they do and any form of it is a step to a happier reality.

In response I say all thats missing is encouragement. I've been going out on a whim to encourage people these days, and the response has been alarming. Being in a society that is constantly degrading your worth through comparisons and ideals its so easy to feel like you're alone. I hope that I can remind you that you've got a resource of positivity out there, be it your personal acquaintances or a supportive online community, there is someone always ready to listen. Do yourself a favor today by encouraging someone in their life endeavors. Whether its an artistic pursuit, or some new changes in their lives. Make them aware that you are listening, make an effort to understand them, and most importantly; make it known that they matter to you.

Its so easy to get lost in our shells of fear and hurt. If we keep this pattern of kindness and support moving; we can de-stress ourselves as a community. Then we can get down to the business of growth.

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Thoughts: A Raging Hurt Fatty

Be warned: 

This is a rant with grown up language (yes, profanity). If my personal life doesn't interest you please skip this post.

I'm not one to talk about my issues with people, but this has been the very bane of my existence as of lately that I'm tired of looking like I've got it all together and I'm not affected by these actions. I've grown a supportive and fairly descent following from not only strangers that share my interest, but family and friends as well: I think that lying to you that I am ok would be the wrong thing to do.

So this month is NOTHING as I expected: things that I thought could be finished in a week may well drag into the New Year, everyday has felt like a wild card, and this season has become the month of global PMS. Seriously? Being the fat chick in public automatically makes me an easy target, but the things that come out of peoples mouth's these days be it stranger or friends is simply repulsive.  I don't even want to recount the reckless nonsense that people's motives have been.

FOR THE RECORD: I find that fat people, especially women, do their best just to break their stereotypes everyday. We've not lazy, we are not glutinous pigs, and we are not all about the easy way out. If you ask me after being in category and culture of 'fat', we are the toughest most honest of people. On top of the criticism and society pressures: we go out of our way to be who we are just so we can continue a satisfying life beyond what's expected of us. I've been fat for a majority of my life and I've found true love, been a leader, and done things that I never thought I could. I've been featured on television, been a produced playwright FOUR TIMES AND COUNTING, guest spoke in one of the largest convention centers in the world... you guessed it, FAT! I'm not about to stop my life just because of the way I look displeases people.  I'm more than that, and I guarentee you that other fat people you see are so much more than there appearance.

Don't get me wrong, this post has nothing to do with denying a healthy lifestyle. This is about that time of the year when people get insecure about just about anything as the year closes and they are brought with a new year that will come with more opportunity and regrets. It's easy to feel down, pressured to be something else. Many, unfortunately, don't know how to handle these changes. Whether you do or don't, everyone is feeling the pressure of change upon them, and the best thing to do is be honest with yourself and understand where you stand about it.

For me, I'm scared. I feel like I'm not ready for the responsibilities that have been trusted on me. I'm stressed, cooped up, and hard up; believe me the blatant bullying has not made me a happy camper. Today I snapped, I cried, and I'm upset. I'm sure that I'll be pretty upset about all of this incessive harassment and behavior until the beginning of the next year when things usually die down. Hence why my mood is seeping into my blog; the beautiful album of my growing life that I can share with the world. I want this post to tell everyone that it's absolutely fine to be mad;  just let it go responsibly. Letting go has a lot to do with letting people around you know how you feel.

For those 'people': Come at me about my weight, money, or my relationship if you must but here's the truth about it: You're too fucking scared to deal with your own problems. I am starting to lose faith in you and the rest of the world because of this very reason. I may not call you out in person, or look like I didn't notice what you meant by 'it' but I'm just too nice and mature to stoop to your level. I'm just as stressed as you are, and my willingness to tell you about these things or my rare chances to go out are my few releases from my issues. Don't go ruining it for me, or try to be greedy and take that little bit of happiness out of my day. Don't try to piggy back on my efforts either as I busted my back working for these things that I treasure and made myself the person I am today. I'm nice, but every nice person has a limit. If your offended by this post I'm happy: Come and chat with me about it!

Wow, you made it through the whole thing. Thank you for listening, I meant it.

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A Big Girl with an Athletic Friend

Perhaps I'm just lucky, but as a plus bigger girl my social life has never missed a beat for it. I go shopping, do cocktail parties, and whatever other outings fall in between. I also owe it to the fact that I have wonderful friends. This blog is dedicated to my childhood friend Candice, and our relationship as it has grown through the years. It also happens to be her birthday today, and we spent the weekend doing little things to celebrate her turning 28! We did a little shopping at Macy's which explains the pictures below.

 A little bit of how we know each other: we've known each other since Kindergarten, but we had a falling out around the age of 10 when I moved to public school. I found her again give or take 5 years ago as I was getting some fabric, she was the general manager. I also found out that the house that I had moved into at the time was on the same block, so we got into the habit of walking everyday together.  I've moved away to the current house I'm in now, but we still see each other when we can. Her current hobby is running, and I'm proud to say that she completed her first 5k/obstacle course last year. She's also an archer and her family breeds and trains hunting Labradors. The reason why I'm telling you all this is to show how very different we are. I wouldn't have it any other way.

Trust me, this didn't happen over night. We've worked out together, dieted together, binged together, and have gotten into plenty of fights about weight and lifestyle. I can't even really say that I've been there for her on her running journey; because I just can't relate. Just as much as she finds it difficult to understand that I have to fight a bit harder and be a bit tougher as a larger woman in the arts industry. The one thing that binds us together is that we want the best for each other, because we love who each of us has grown up to be. Other than the desire to travel and paint the town red, the only thing that binds us are our years of being together.

Recently, I've noticed Candice standing up for me and my weight. We were in a discussion with someone where they made a comment about me being on the verge of diabetes because of the way I looked. Politely, Candice did me the favor of mentioning how light of an eater I really am and confessed that she was the sweet tooth of the bunch. It was a subtle gesture but I really appreciated it. I'm so sick and tired of being the one that people pick on when they have issues with themselves because I'm an easy target due to appearance. I don't feel like I have a need to really defend the weight that I am or be ashamed because I'm a different from the rest. I eat healthy and I exercise daily, but my body doesn't quite work like everyone else. It helps to have friends of different walks of life than me that understand this. Because when it comes down to it, we're both still young women chipping their path into this world. This fact alone is why we need as much support as we can get! As I mentioned it doesn't happen over night, but when you do have that balance and it's golden.

Never apologize for who you are, there is strength in variety. I hope that sharing my relationship with Candice inspires you and help if your struggling with acceptance of who you are in your friend circles. Because there is too much pain in this world to be hurting the people we care about.

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Thoughts: Bullies and Friends

I've been a victim of bullying. It happens to the best of us, and worse, by the people you think are the ones that care. I think that the hardest part about bullying is the surprise factor; and when it's finished you just can't seem to get the nasty humiliating feeling that it gives. When I thought I knew just about everything about bullying I realized that I didn't. There was yet another thing I needed to see and that was the way that others saw my bullying issues.

Lately meditation has taught me the power of being honest. If I'm having a bad day I say it; I let it be known. I find that most of my loved ones find this respectful and a good thing to know, there's no beating around the bush as to why I'm not quite myself. So when I was bullied this week and I was just plain ashamed of the way that I let it happened, I opened up about it. Believe me it wasn't easy! In fact, it was a bit of an issue really getting myself to spill all about it. It took me a course of a couple of days to get it all out of me to a good understanding of what it was.

The first reaction I got was anger; they were angry that I let it happen. The shame was burning in my cheeks when I heard this and I explained the guilt I felt and the things I wish I could have done. It was intense conversation, but in the end I was grateful for the different results. What I came out of it with was this: I carried unnecessary guilt that was a form of compassion for the person that was my bully. Even to the last of my relationship with this person I was defending what we might have had out of a turn of unfortunate events together.

There is this Buddhist practice of understanding that emotions are the surface of something greater. You dig deeper inside of yourself and 'untie' the layers of feelings and reactions to get to the main root of the problem. I felt like I did this with my friends this week. I learned something about myself that was a beautiful trait of mine being put to use in a manner that was harming me. Through the eyes of my friends I was able to see the reason behind their anger and why they enjoy my company.

And then it happened, I laughed for the first time for days! I had a wonderful time talking my head off indulged in conversation, brainstorming, and future planning with some talented people I'm blessed to have in my life. The follow-up phone calls from my other friends just sealed the end of a perfect day for me. Life moved on, it was just waiting for me.

Give your heart a chance to listen. There is so much you can learn about yourself from your friends. Most of them are unspoken. 

Thank you everyone that has given me a better way to move onward. You're all the best!

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