Tunnels End

Evening everyone,
Something beautiful happened last night. While writing my post last night reviewing several things that happened through my year, a little spark resounded in my heart. That little spark got bigger and bigger with every word I typed, every picture that I archived, every memory and feeling that resurfaced about 2012. After three hours of work at 3am as I layed my head down to finally sleep I realized that this was the first time in several months I actually stayed up to do something. I wanted it done, I had to see the ending. This morning I realized; that little spark was my old self thats been waiting for myself this whole time.

If you read the post or have been following my blog for sometime you know that I've been in a funk for sometime now. I have not been anything that I used to be; rather, I've been almost a lesser person than I was. I just had no real enthusiasm for things, my creativity was slipping, and my energy was cut by less than half. This year was brutal on me with all my completing things and growing up. I was honestly about to believe that I would never be that multi-tasking, energized, positive young lady again. That was until now...

The post really had me see everything right in front of me, where I had gone, and most importantly all of the emotions that had shaped my decisions and reaction to things. I was an ambitious newly grad ready to take the world on, but the world threw me a fast one and it was nothing that I had read or imagined. Did I fail? No. Was it my fault? Some of it yes, but it all turned out for the better.

I was astonished at the change even physically I went through. I never discussed it, but through my depression starting on about April I had dropped 30 lbs this year from eating like a bird. Anything with oil or salt would send me into gagging fits. I couldn't sleep at night from shaking with no food in me, but I couldn't eat. The Doctor diagnosed it as a form of nervosa that was similar to my condition many years before when I moved for the first time. I suffered until about August, when I started to go out more.

Right now my body is just flabby. It feels strange, I don't really mind whatever weight I am, but my skin has gone through hell and back. I have little bubbly bumps under my skin around my arms and my belly which have never been there, but I'm getting used to it. I now live in moisturizing heaven 24/7 taking care of my thinned skin un-stretched and flabby as they often feel sore. The darker stretch marks are the worst, they inflame depending on the weather. My unintentional weight-loss has not been glamorous.

 

I'm actually very shy about my body, not only because of my weight but because of the abuse I've put it through over the years. When I'm on the job I'm in the public's eye and its a constant battle with myself to push my confidence in my knowledge and leadership before my insecurities. I try not to dwell in it that much, because there's so much to live for other than insecurities. I realize now that this is a time of discover for me, to bring who I am now and what I was before together in harmony marking my lessons of life learned for this time.

This morning I was inspired, a very enthused inspired! I had proven that I CAN push myself again and my mind is capable of intense concentration. This was no fluke or stroke of luck; this was what I had forgotten. I decided to mark this epiphany I pulled out my Nikon and did self-portraits. Last time I did self-portraits was in 2009, I got my first degree and moved to a new house, things were changing then as well.

I call this series Tunnels End because I feel like I finally see the light at the end! I love the shadows that had cast on my bedroom wall in a way to represent time and the filtering of light before me. The light reflections on my hanging pictures also show images of the world outside. I was comfortable to be in my own skin today, and most importantly in my own mind. I never want to lose sight of this feeling and I don't want to call this another 'fling'. I've missed me for too long to let it.

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Crossing Fingers: November Update

 Hi everyone,
Hope that everyone's been enjoying their November. As the weather gets cooler it's hard not to contemplate the change that has occurred through the years. The past weeks I've been blogging has been a blessing for me, so if there's one thing that I'm grateful for this year it's that I get to share this bit of my life with all of you. So all that have stumbled across my blog and have stayed, thank you from the bottom of my heart!

Well, without further adieu, here are my updates for my Crossing Fingers November challenges:

1.NaNoWriMo:  I'm not in the best of position, but I'm not giving up. Its been a strange experience this time around. I recently had a conversation with a friend of mine that succeeded in NaNoWriMo. We talked about the Ups and Downs in cramming a novel within a month. We both concluded that it truly depends on the novel and the person. I'm beyond grateful that it kicked me in the pants to pick up my novel writing again. However, I've been enjoying filling out the pages with honest quality words. I'll keep writing and doing my best to catch up by simply spending more time with it. The month is still to early in to tell if I'll finish or not; I usually figure it out about five days before the end. I love building my writing community! Please feel free to friend me under the name healingmercy. I'd love to read your novel and give feedback! Nothing better than community support.

2. Meditate Daily: I was inspired to do this challenge because of my first meditation class.So far I've been doing it daily with or without the book. My daily tea breaks in the morning allow me to clear my mind and get my day started the way that I want it to. So much can be learned in each chapter that I take the points that Rosen mentions to heart and apply them to my daily life. So far its creating an efficient schedule and task managing to balance your life to equalize your energy. This has given me more time to breathe and get more physical activity in my day to calm my nerves. So far, this challenge has been a wonderful success!

3. Spend less: My bills are paid for this month! It wasn't as hard of a challenge as I thought it would be. Keeping this challenge in mind I recently went on a mini holiday to the beach where I spent on hardly anything. It felt absolutely amazing! I can't wait to write all about it in a near future post. I've been taking this challenge and eating at home more often as well. It couldn't have come at a better time as I had some unexpected out of town friends visiting and I had enough of a budget to spend the whole day with them as well as pay the bills. It doesn't get better than that, my life feels so much more well rounded now.

I look forward to seeing how the end of the month plays out. *Crossing Fingers*

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Crossing Fingers: Nov/Oct

 October was absolutely phenomenal! I would say that this past month was a time of self understanding and growing in my young adult life. Taking the challenges for myself did wonders to me that I never thought would be so good for me. I wake up these days with a spring in my step to what tasks are in store for me. There's something beautiful about creating simply for the sake of doing it. When I do work as a profession, the love often disconnects from it. So it was refreshing to spark that interest and my creative juices.

If you're not familiar with Crossing Fingers, I pick three goals for the month and I focus on them.

Results for October 2012

 

1. 750 Words October Challenge: As you can tell from the letter I got from buster, I DID IT! It started to come natural after the first week, but I must say there were days of complications, I got headaches or was out late. Somehow I found a way to finish, quite a few times I did my entries on my mobile phone. It was worth it! Every last bit of it! Now I'm ready for this month...

2. Do Art Daily: This was not as successful as I had hoped it would be. Where I did create art this month, most of it was done within a week interval. The great news is that I did do art, which I was hoping I would. I opened a renewed passion for painting and my web designing. So the goal at hand did the trick, even though it wasn't done to its fullest.

3. Show Goodreads Up: Ok, this was a love hate task for me. Where I did catch up on my reading, I didn't get ahead of it. There were plenty of books that I wanted to finish this month, but life got in the way. I would call this a half successful goal...

 It's time to go forth boldly into the month of November! 

November 2012

1.NaNoWriMo: I've been trying to succeed at this challenge for about 4 years now. Always I've been so close. I was either distracted by Finals, Productions, or family issues. Where I can't control the last one; I made sure to clear my season for my theatre company and I'm no longer in school. I want to focus my heart into getting a descent hunk of my novel series done for finally treating and publishing the thing. This will be my biggest goal yet! I've gotten off to a good start today, please feel free to friend me under the name healingmercy.
2. Meditate Daily: After my first meditation class, I feel that it's important for me to continue the feeling of being grounded. This month I'll be reading Diana Rossen's book: Meditations with Tea; and continue with the exercises. A good balance to NaNoWriMo I say.

3. Spend less: What can I say, I love to go out! I love living a full day out in the city which usually pinches my pocket to the bone. I'm used to living check to check, and I think that this needs to give. I saved for my visit to the Tea Festival and absolutely loved it! I want to have many more awesome days like this. I also want to stop whining about paying bills because I have no money from going out so much (guilty as charged!). I have a few more Out & Abouts to finish, but they will soon be growing not so frequent; for this month at least. This is only because I eat out practically everyday and I want to change that. What had me convinced was getting food poisoning TWICE this past week from eating out. Funny thing is I'm a pretty good cook, so this is all about to change. Who knows? I might be sharing some of my scrumptious recipes this month.

There it is, another month of challenges...
*Crossing Fingers*

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Crossing Fingers: October update

Hey everyone! It's about the midway through the month and I thought I should check in and give an update on how I'm doing with this month's Crossing Fingers Challenge.

 1. 750 Words October Challenge: If you can see from the screen cap I'm doing quite well for myself! I'm so happy that I've stayed diligent with this challenge. It gets easier everyday. I can safely say that besides my blog it's the one thing I do that's personal time. Sometimes I do it when I wake up through my phone, but most of the time it's the first thing that I do before I start on my work. Mostly I write about personal things to get my mind settled so I can concentrate through the day, once in awhile I write my blog posts in it. 750 has been allowing me to find the words to put on the screen much quicker. I might have a fighting chance for NaNoWriMo *knocks on wood as swiftly as possible*

2. Do Art Daily: This is the one I've been falling behind on... Most of my time is taken with my job and being out of the house so I'm not exactly capable of doing anything artistic at 11pm. What I do have to account for for this is my bedroom and study mini makeover that I've been cherishing through this month. I've been moving things around, redecorating, and getting rid of things since everything piled up while I was in college. I also started painting again, but it's not progressing as much as I'd like. I need to really step my game up on this challenge.

3. Show Goodreads Up: I think that only the end of the month will tell on this one. As you can see from the screen cap I'm trudging through a few books at the moment. I was crazy to pick a long book for this month; Guenevere, Queen of the Summer Country. I picked it because I stumbled across it in a used book store one weekend. This book NEVER goes on sale and I've been meaning to read it since 2008. The suspense got me in the end... Ugh...

So far not bad, not great either... Still have the rest of the month *Crossing Fingers*
-Stef

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Crossing Fingers: October

Something that I hope to start doing at the beginning of the month are little goals to take me to my goals. What goals? Well... just simple things that make me an overall a better person personally.

College just wiped me out, I was in a cram school where I had no real time to develop myself as a creative person. Since I started school it was this yo yo of inspiration then plateau dry seasons of just working. The greatest asset in all of my jobs IS creativity...

I could sit here beating myself up (that was a few hours ago) or I could just accept it and move on. So I've set myself three simple goals that I hope I can follow through with until the end of the month and longer (Crossing fingers...)

October 2012

1. 750 Words October Challenge: I've survived a couple of these but I haven't been back since February this year. Seriously, anyone wanting to get back into or practice more writing should try this site. It's so therapeutic and as the owner says, "it can be a big mind dump" if you need it to. I'm doing this to make my writing sync naturally with my brain again, no more long pauses...

2. Do Art Daily: Whether a doodle or a craft; something other than writing will be done creatively. Lately my big kick has been redecorating especially as the Fall season upon us makes me want to stay home more. (Pictures to come)

3. Show Goodreads Up: Yes thats right, I'm slightly behind in my reading goal because of the craziness of production season. It urks me that it says I'm behind in my goal. So I want to fix this and stay on track go beyond and be ahead this month. If I dare take the Nanowrimo challenge this year I need to be ahead to keep my reading goal.

The challenge has begun, *Crossing Fingers*
-Stef

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