Evening everyone,
Something beautiful happened last night. While writing my post last night reviewing several things that happened through my year, a little spark resounded in my heart. That little spark got bigger and bigger with every word I typed, every picture that I archived, every memory and feeling that resurfaced about 2012. After three hours of work at 3am as I layed my head down to finally sleep I realized that this was the first time in several months I actually stayed up to do something. I wanted it done, I had to see the ending. This morning I realized; that little spark was my old self thats been waiting for myself this whole time.
The post really had me see everything right in front of me, where I had gone, and most importantly all of the emotions that had shaped my decisions and reaction to things. I was an ambitious newly grad ready to take the world on, but the world threw me a fast one and it was nothing that I had read or imagined. Did I fail? No. Was it my fault? Some of it yes, but it all turned out for the better.
I was astonished at the change even physically I went through. I never discussed it, but through my depression starting on about April I had dropped 30 lbs this year from eating like a bird. Anything with oil or salt would send me into gagging fits. I couldn't sleep at night from shaking with no food in me, but I couldn't eat. The Doctor diagnosed it as a form of nervosa that was similar to my condition many years before when I moved for the first time. I suffered until about August, when I started to go out more.
Right now my body is just flabby. It feels strange, I don't really mind whatever weight I am, but my skin has gone through hell and back. I have little bubbly bumps under my skin around my arms and my belly which have never been there, but I'm getting used to it. I now live in moisturizing heaven 24/7 taking care of my thinned skin un-stretched and flabby as they often feel sore. The darker stretch marks are the worst, they inflame depending on the weather. My unintentional weight-loss has not been glamorous.
This morning I was inspired, a very enthused inspired! I had proven that I CAN push myself again and my mind is capable of intense concentration. This was no fluke or stroke of luck; this was what I had forgotten. I decided to mark this epiphany I pulled out my Nikon and did self-portraits. Last time I did self-portraits was in 2009, I got my first degree and moved to a new house, things were changing then as well.
I call this series Tunnels End because I feel like I finally see the light at the end! I love the shadows that had cast on my bedroom wall in a way to represent time and the filtering of light before me. The light reflections on my hanging pictures also show images of the world outside. I was comfortable to be in my own skin today, and most importantly in my own mind. I never want to lose sight of this feeling and I don't want to call this another 'fling'. I've missed me for too long to let it.
