Tunnels End

Evening everyone,
Something beautiful happened last night. While writing my post last night reviewing several things that happened through my year, a little spark resounded in my heart. That little spark got bigger and bigger with every word I typed, every picture that I archived, every memory and feeling that resurfaced about 2012. After three hours of work at 3am as I layed my head down to finally sleep I realized that this was the first time in several months I actually stayed up to do something. I wanted it done, I had to see the ending. This morning I realized; that little spark was my old self thats been waiting for myself this whole time.

If you read the post or have been following my blog for sometime you know that I've been in a funk for sometime now. I have not been anything that I used to be; rather, I've been almost a lesser person than I was. I just had no real enthusiasm for things, my creativity was slipping, and my energy was cut by less than half. This year was brutal on me with all my completing things and growing up. I was honestly about to believe that I would never be that multi-tasking, energized, positive young lady again. That was until now...

The post really had me see everything right in front of me, where I had gone, and most importantly all of the emotions that had shaped my decisions and reaction to things. I was an ambitious newly grad ready to take the world on, but the world threw me a fast one and it was nothing that I had read or imagined. Did I fail? No. Was it my fault? Some of it yes, but it all turned out for the better.

I was astonished at the change even physically I went through. I never discussed it, but through my depression starting on about April I had dropped 30 lbs this year from eating like a bird. Anything with oil or salt would send me into gagging fits. I couldn't sleep at night from shaking with no food in me, but I couldn't eat. The Doctor diagnosed it as a form of nervosa that was similar to my condition many years before when I moved for the first time. I suffered until about August, when I started to go out more.

Right now my body is just flabby. It feels strange, I don't really mind whatever weight I am, but my skin has gone through hell and back. I have little bubbly bumps under my skin around my arms and my belly which have never been there, but I'm getting used to it. I now live in moisturizing heaven 24/7 taking care of my thinned skin un-stretched and flabby as they often feel sore. The darker stretch marks are the worst, they inflame depending on the weather. My unintentional weight-loss has not been glamorous.

 

I'm actually very shy about my body, not only because of my weight but because of the abuse I've put it through over the years. When I'm on the job I'm in the public's eye and its a constant battle with myself to push my confidence in my knowledge and leadership before my insecurities. I try not to dwell in it that much, because there's so much to live for other than insecurities. I realize now that this is a time of discover for me, to bring who I am now and what I was before together in harmony marking my lessons of life learned for this time.

This morning I was inspired, a very enthused inspired! I had proven that I CAN push myself again and my mind is capable of intense concentration. This was no fluke or stroke of luck; this was what I had forgotten. I decided to mark this epiphany I pulled out my Nikon and did self-portraits. Last time I did self-portraits was in 2009, I got my first degree and moved to a new house, things were changing then as well.

I call this series Tunnels End because I feel like I finally see the light at the end! I love the shadows that had cast on my bedroom wall in a way to represent time and the filtering of light before me. The light reflections on my hanging pictures also show images of the world outside. I was comfortable to be in my own skin today, and most importantly in my own mind. I never want to lose sight of this feeling and I don't want to call this another 'fling'. I've missed me for too long to let it.

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Friday Fall Kicks

 As we creep up on Halloween, I did a little bit of decorating. I adore the holiday of Halloween. Its spooky, contemplative, and full of costume fun! Come on now, I work in Theatre, this is the one holiday where what I do is oddly normal. I have a packed weekend ahead of me, to finish up this awesome month of October. I thought I would share with all of you out there my quaint Office that's a decorating WIP.

All of my decor is from a Dollar Store, but aside from the garlands, crows, and sign, this is what my office looks like on a regular basis. It was inspired by my love for Venice and the old world feel. All the pieces have been a growing collection. I'd like to brag that it's the coziest room in the house. I do a good share of reading on the couch, and most of my entries as well as my freelance work are done on the office computer.

Meet Hitchcock, my stone owl. I saved him from Love's garden on this past month. He was sitting sunken in the dirt on the front lawn left by the previous owners. He caught my eye when I visited his house and I was smitten by him. He's all dressed up wearing my mini Witch hat. Looking at that hat makes me miss making costumes every now and then. Perhaps when things clear out after NaNoWriMo I'll go back to it.

Kros has been put on guard duty. I never realized he matched the door until Eugene pointed him out. I think I'll keep him there year round, he's a good reminder of how far we've come. He's a souvenir of our first party we threw together; even then there were traces that we wanted to do Productions. I love him for all of this, even the 'battle scars' he's survived after moving through a dorm, and an apartment, and three houses. He even has a monologue created by Eugene somewhere in the vault...

Finishing touches are a candles in the smell of Citrus Cilantro and Mulberry. It's a nice break from the Pumpkin Everything Invasion and Cinnamon smells that seem to follow you everywhere this time of year

 

  I hope that everyone has a safe Hallo-Weekend planned, filled with goodies and good company!


-Stef

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Portraits: Steffi

 As one of my three things for crossing fingers was to create art everyday, I finally decided to do a project that I've been meaning to start: Portraits. The idea started a few years ago when I saw oval canvases in the local art store. The shape reminded me of those portraits you see for Victorian family trees. Perhaps something along the lines of an image you would see in a locket. The whole look of it just gave me goosebumps; I knew that I wanted to make portraits of my own.
Sadly I never saw those oval canvases again. The idea did resurface recently as I came across some old Disney Haunted Mansion buttons I got last year at D-Con. The portraits in the first hall of the ride were always haunting and beautiful. I knew I had to have my own version of these, oval canvases or not.

For this collection I decided to do portraits of characters that I love from my art and writing. Most of my creations revolve around a character that sparks from something I did that day and it spreads like wildfire. Next thing you know it I'm writing stories and sketching them. Most of these characters never get finished or see the end of their stories but the capture a piece of my heart. Call this project the rekindling of these haunts...
I'm so happy with how it came out! The whole process was exhausting but wonderful. I got to think of the character and really have alone time for my mind to brainstorm with every stroke. I will be using acrylic on canvas for these portraits. A portrait like this usually takes me about a collective of 4-6 hours to finish.

 I decided that my first character would be Steffi. Steffi is a goth girl that represents a little bit of my teenage angst. I got her name from the German pronunciation of my name. I am a big part German and during my high school years I was big on discovering that side of my heritage. I remember vaguely my great grandmother who was straight from Germany and spoke nothing but. I even took German language classes my freshman year until the class was cancelled the next semester.

I'd like to think that Steffi's personality is much like my great grandmothers. She's adventurous and contemplative all the same. She started as a bubbly young girl without a care in the world and the biggest sweet tooth, but as her love came and left she became a bit grim in maturity. Steffi's first love was a stranger that was cold and had a raging temper. As they were opposites they were perfect for each other and her sweet love was something that could soothe a beast of a man as he was. The thing they had in common was their thirst for adventure and often they had them. Until sadly one day Steffi encountered the greatest adventure of them all: some things can never change. The stranger left her and she hasn't seen him since.

She got older and her contemplations grew. Her tastes got darker and soon she became the goth that she is now. If you look carefully she's smiling because she knows a secret; she'll never give up looking for that stranger, it's the chase that keeps her in love with him. Every time I see something with the symbol of a heart with wings I think of Steffi. Because of that I gave her the ribbon pendant in this portrait. A contemplative with girlish dreams: That's Steffi in a nutshell.
Next in my series: Celine Shields.
-Stef

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