I've been a victim of bullying. It happens to the best of us, and worse, by the people you think are the ones that care. I think that the hardest part about bullying is the surprise factor; and when it's finished you just can't seem to get the nasty humiliating feeling that it gives. When I thought I knew just about everything about bullying I realized that I didn't. There was yet another thing I needed to see and that was the way that others saw my bullying issues.
Lately meditation has taught me the power of being honest. If I'm having a bad day I say it; I let it be known. I find that most of my loved ones find this respectful and a good thing to know, there's no beating around the bush as to why I'm not quite myself. So when I was bullied this week and I was just plain ashamed of the way that I let it happened, I opened up about it. Believe me it wasn't easy! In fact, it was a bit of an issue really getting myself to spill all about it. It took me a course of a couple of days to get it all out of me to a good understanding of what it was.
The first reaction I got was anger; they were angry that I let it happen. The shame was burning in my cheeks when I heard this and I explained the guilt I felt and the things I wish I could have done. It was intense conversation, but in the end I was grateful for the different results. What I came out of it with was this: I carried unnecessary guilt that was a form of compassion for the person that was my bully. Even to the last of my relationship with this person I was defending what we might have had out of a turn of unfortunate events together.
There is this Buddhist practice of understanding that emotions are the surface of something greater. You dig deeper inside of yourself and 'untie' the layers of feelings and reactions to get to the main root of the problem. I felt like I did this with my friends this week. I learned something about myself that was a beautiful trait of mine being put to use in a manner that was harming me. Through the eyes of my friends I was able to see the reason behind their anger and why they enjoy my company.
And then it happened, I laughed for the first time for days! I had a wonderful time talking my head off indulged in conversation, brainstorming, and future planning with some talented people I'm blessed to have in my life. The follow-up phone calls from my other friends just sealed the end of a perfect day for me. Life moved on, it was just waiting for me.
Give your heart a chance to listen. There is so much you can learn about yourself from your friends. Most of them are unspoken.Thank you everyone that has given me a better way to move onward. You're all the best!
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